He Loved Me - Even When I Was Mad At Him...

What do you do - When you love God but you're also so mad at Him - that you want to back away from Him? You are so angry - that you back away from church - your core group of Christian friends - your devotionals? This is where I have been the past three (3) weeks... I'm angry... But even through my anger - He made His presence and His love known to me.....

We have been going through our first serious trials of being a parent to a teen - A teen that decided she knew best... A teen that created such a mess that she could not find her way out... Instead of seeking help from us her parents - she decided to take out her anger on us.... She covered her fear and lack of control by being rebellious and disrespectful....

Before things started to spiral out of control - my daughter had left a message with the dean of girls at her school... She wanted to talk to her about something... Due to the busyness of the end of the year school activities - the dean did not get back to her for over a week...

God's timing is Perfect!!!! This is what the dean said when she called me after her discussion with my kid... This is what happened:

The dean finally called my daughter in to talk and my kid was mad...The first thing my daughter said is this, "I know why you called me in here - I don't know why my mom can't stay out of my business!" The dean advised my daughter she had no idea what she was talking about... She said that she called my daughter in because she had left a note that she wanted to talk.... My kid was shocked.... The dean asked her if she wanted to talk about what she meant... At first my kid said no and then all of a sudden everything came out... This huge weight was lifted off my kid's shoulders... The secret burdens she was hiding were freed and when my daughter came home and we talked - we cried together... and the healing started.....

You see - if the dean had called my kid in earlier - it would not have helped what had happened later... I was at a loss - I was so fearful for my daughter.... But God - opened that door of communication.. He knew I was desperate .... He knew my kid needed me.... He showed me He loved me regardless of how I was feeling about Him.... He is much bigger than my human emotions.. .. His love is far greater than I could ever imagine... I am in awe... I am humbled..

Where can I go from your Spirit? Where can I flee from your presence? If I go up to the heavens, you are there; if I make my bed in the depths, you are there. if I rise on the wings of dawn if I settle on the far side of the sea, even there your hand will guide me, your right hand will hold me fast. Psalm 139:7-9

Forgiveness Is Freeing...

I have learned over time that if you play the tit for tat game you are going to lose.... Having a one up on someone does not make you a winner - it doesn't make you happy... it puts you on guard for the next tit... the next tat... It does not allow you to show forgiveness... grace - it makes you buy into Satan's game... he wants discord... conflict.... tit for tat games.... he wants hate...... he wants anger...

I have learned that there are many angry and hateful people in the world. People who are looking for the tit for tat games... the one up on you games.... the I'm superior and you are beneath me games.... People who are so sad in their own existence that it makes them feel better to hurt.. belittle... and threaten others.... They remind me of the bully on the playground... I cannot help but feel sorry for these people.. because I know beneath their gruff and hateful exterior they feel helpless and sad inside.... They need to find the peace that only God can give them... They need to release all the bad that is binding their hearts... their lives.... their souls....

No one wants to live a life of pain. No one does..... But many find comfort in their anger... their hate... they may use excuses to give reason for the way they are.... They may have had an abusive parent... an abusive spouse.. friend, relative.. they are ill - they are not appreciated.. they have been abandoned.... there are thousands of reasons and excuses to build anger and hate on - it's all about choices.... We decide if we want to hate and take out our anger on others or we let it go... But the fact remains - everyone has had their share of pain... It is up to us to let go of what others have done or not done to us.....

I will never forget the death of a dear friend's dad.... her dad was an angry and often times an abusive man.. He did and said things to his daughters that no father should ever say or do.... He suffered for many years from cancer and many other smoking relating diseases.. I know that he found comfort in her faith... and in her sister's faith.... I know he found forgiveness.... But on the night he died - he was seeking forgiveness from her sister - he would not let go until he received it... When her sister told him that she forgave him and that she loved him... he became free... she became free..... Forgiving people who have harmed you.... is freeing.. It gives peace... It brings you closer to Christ and in that forgiveness and peace.. You find comfort... Her dad's death changed me... changed her it made us realize that life is so very short and I want to spend it loving others... not hating....

I love this quote about forgiveness from CS Lewis - There is no use in talking as if forgiveness were easy. We all know the old joke, "You've given up smoking once; I've given it up a dozen times." In the same way I could say of a certain man, "Have I forgiven him for what he did that day? I've forgiven him more times than I can count." For we find that the work of forgiveness has to be done over and over again....

God does not love us because we are lovable - many of us are not at times - me included - but He loves us because he loves - that is what He does.... I pray that I can become that person - the person who loves first at all times... that is quick to forgive.... slow to anger.... I pray that more people come to know Jesus and release their the hate and anger that bind them so that they can be free....

Dealing With Conflict - God's Way

There has been some conflict in my life lately.... Conflicts with people I love.... I am one of those people that truly hates conflict.... but I am also one of those people that does not believe in sweeping things under the rug.... Recently my kids stayed a week with their grandparents.. There were many conflicts during that time... Many hurt feelings.. many misunderstandings... One of the things their grandmother would say after a conflict - was - okay let's just forget "it" happened... don't tell your parents.. and we'll move on... Well, no disrespect towards my mother in law but that just doesn't work.... My youngest came home very upset.... many hurt feelings and at this time does not want to talk or see her nana... I have a sister who I love with all my heart - but last year right after my dad died and feelings were raw - we had a big conflict.... and to this day our relationship is not the same.... not even close. I miss her.
We as humans can have problems with people... Believers who love the Lord and try to serve Him still can have conflicts with people (being a follower of Christ does not make us/me immune)... It would be great if everyone would just get a long... but in the real world unfortunately that does not happen continually.. It just doesn't.... Many people avoid confrontations... they fear being disliked or rejected.. But after time they start to resent the person they are avoiding and that doesn't do any good... We tend to have a belief that in every conflict there must be a winner and a loser.... at least I have always thought that... I have learned recently that there can be a win-win outcome in a conflict... but the conflict must be approached with the right attitude and the right heart... We need to confront with respect for the other person involved....
Matthew 18:15-16 If your brother sins against you, go and show him his fault, just between the two of you. If he listens to you, you have won your brother over. But if he will not listen, take one or two others along, so that every matter may be established by the testimony of two or three witnesses...
The longer we wait to confront someone - the more distracted we get.... the more angry we get.. and the problem develops a life of its own.. We need to address problems now ... today... we must not let it fester... we must not lose our loved ones... Positive confrontations is a way to show that we care about a person.. Each time you build up people - you give them the chance to grow... you give yourself a chance to grow..
Luke 6:36-41 Be merciful, just as your Father is merciful. Do not judge, and you will not be judged. Do not condemn, and you will not be condemned. Forgive, and you will be forgiven. Give, and it will be given to you. A good measure, pressed down, shaken together and running over, will be poured into your lap. For with the measure you use, it will be measured to you... Can a blind man lead a blind man? Will they not both fall into a pit?.. Why do you look at the speck of sawdust in your brother's eye and pay no attention to the plank in your own eye?
We need to deal with conflict the way God has outlined in the Bible...
A.W. Tozer once said, "Never be afraid of honest criticism. If the critic is wrong, you can help him; and if your wrong, he can help you. Either way, somebody's helped"

Sometimes We All Are Careless

As a woman of faith - I try to love others... I try to forgive others.... and I try not to get angry with others.... As a human and a mother - I find that doing all that is very hard at times.... sometimes impossible in my mind... especially if it's about my children..

I truly believe that my children need to learn how to speak the truth... stand up for what's right... lead by example... love each other... and fight their own battles to a degree... What I mean by "fight their own battles" is that - when my kids have a disagreement with their peers- they need to work it out among themselves... in a non-violent way... I don't need to get involved and I won't unless something horrible occurs or is about occur... If my child is having issues with a teacher - I believe she needs to try to communicate with the teacher. Many times, it is only non-communication issue that causes my kids to be upset and when the understanding is clear then all is right with the world.... Basically our kids need to learn how to communicate in order to grow and become the person God intended...

Sometimes - our kids get hurt and just have to deal with it.... especially if it's a loved one hurting them. There are days in our lives that are special to us... birthdays, anniversaries, weddings, and many other personal achievements.... as a young child - not being recognized on their special day hurts... and as a parent - my first reaction is to call that person and say "hey, today's my kid's birthday.... would be really nice to get a phone call, an email, a card in the mail, a note on Facebook.... something letting her know that today she is special...."

Sometimes - loved ones are careless... sometimes I am careless.... sometimes we all are careless.. but the sad thing is - the pain is the same.... a person is feeling unloved... a person feels hurt...

Today - I know I am so far from perfect....because I am really angry... I do know that God understands my anger and He loves me anyway.. I also know that with Him - I will forgive and I will let go of my anger.... but today as a mom and an imperfect woman of faith..... I am hurting on my kid's behalf....

Stress Filled Work Day - Not Fun

Today work was just plan awful.... Stressful environments bring out the worst in people... As many of you know, I own a contract mortgage loan processing business. Over the last few months, rates have dropped and a huge wave of refinancing has come in.. There is too much business for many companies to handle right now. Because of the fluctuating mortgage industry, brokers are a little shy to hire processors full time (costs way too much money) they hire people like me - who only get paid if their loan closes and everyone makes money. Lenders who have previously laid off their full staff and now have a skeleton crew are not ready for the huge increase in business.... the result is that underwriting times are taking three to four times longer than they should be - a lending staff that is so over worked and under appreciated that they no longer care about offering good service but trying to make it through the day without losing control. Good customer service is a thing of the past... The new game is passing the buck - No one taking responsibility for their lack of knowledge, their lack of customer service, or their lack of doing their job....
I believe because of the housing market and FNMA and FHLMC major messes - lenders are adding more conditions than are needed - critiquing appraisal much more harshly.... adding more forms.. adding more everything... I think because of the lack of workers - the lending staff is tired of being yelled at and pushed by brokers and processors.. so they have tuned themselves out... not really caring if a loan closes or not as long as they can bring home their pay check..
Today I had two beautiful and perfect loans that were suppose to fund - due to the high volume of loans the lender was not able to look at the file for funding until Sunday. (yes, we are all working weekends, holidays, evenings, and always) The escrow officer and I were able to handle every little thing the lender wanted... way before the deadline... and you know what happened? The person who was suppose to fund these two loans.... went to lunch and left every single broker and processor needing to fund their loan today in a major bind...the interest rate expired today and the rate we have - does not exist.... but if the broker has the borrowers pay $1870 then they can have the same rate that was free when we locked the loan in - if the lender did not go to lunch then everyone would have been stressed but happy - ie: making quotas and money....
Unfortunately, the lender refuses to acknowledge the numerous mistakes they have made... they refuse to make exceptions on two loans that have been mishandled from the first day in underwriting. I have documentation to support every allegation in my possession - unfortunately it does not matter - you cannot squeeze juice out of a rock (known as the lender)...
So today, while my mind was thinking up various ways to torture said hungry funder - I realized that though I feel my client is the victim - my heart and mind was in no way glorifying God.. I was filled with anger, hate, and no forgiveness..... I was paying attention to how this situation affected me.. I was only focused on me... and that is not where my heart should be..
Of course, it is my responsibility to do the best possible job for my clients... and of course - I must be diligent... But I must NOT lose focus what is right... not lose focus on how God wants me to handle things... with love and understanding.. He does not want me hateful.... He does not want me to be vengeful.....
Stressful environments can bring out the worst in people..... as a follower of Christ - I must continually fight against falling into that trap......

Pride and Forgiveness

I have learned many lessons in my Forty three years of life.. Most of them over the past few years... I have learned that My Pride has not permitted me to fully forgive someone. I was right, she was wrong.... she was right, I was wrong.. I'm sure you have heard many a story like that... When I think about the hurtful words said to me out of anger and confusion... I start to make myself angry all over again... I know that she and I have our own memories and truths... and I think no matter how many times we drive our versions into the ground neither one of us is going to budge.... I know that the words and memories I said to her were not words of kindness and love...they were meant to make her feel as bad as she made me feel... an eye for an eye. a thought for a thought.. a stab for a stab... she felt that she was the original victim and I thought I was...so around and around we go.
What is truly sad to me...is that she was my best friend for the past twenty years... we have known each other forever but became close after I got married. She and I have been to hell and back.. We had always been each others support system..and always a friendly voice at the other end of the phone...and with a few words of anger.. it's all gone...Never to be found again.. Once that kind of trust is broken there are too many scars left behind to go back to the way it was... Will we have a real relationship again? I don't know... Do I want a real relationship again..I don't know... My heart says yes....but my mind and my pride say I just don't know....I'm hurting... A very dear friend of mine gave me these words of wisdom. "You can forgive someone even though you are torn a part inside.. You can forgive through your tears... It does not mean that you go back to the way things were.. It does not mean that the pain will go away quickly...what it does mean is that we trust God enough to Forgive someone as he forgave us.... I don't know why my pride hasn't let me let it go completely....
As Christians, God tells us to forgive one another. Col 3:13-15 'bearing with one another and forgiving one another, if anyone has a complaint against another: even as Christ forgave you, so you also must do. But above all things put on love, which is the bond of perfection and let the peace of God rule in your hearts...'
A gentle answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger. A fool gives full vent to his anger, but a wise man keeps himself under control." [Proverbs 15:1-2] In other words, in this case, fully and uncontrollably expressing oneself while angry is seen as being not prudent, a sign of foolishness as opposed to a sinful action. Thus, in the Bible, anger is qualified based upon its context and consequence.
I have been a very foolish woman... I know that... and I know that with God's help I will get right on this... I need to completely forgive..not just "half forgive". God has forgiven everything I have ever done so if I want to follow Jesus and carry that cross... I need to forgive too....