I've Been Married How LONG????

It's hard for me to believe that this picture is me on our wedding day Twenty-two years ago today... I remember feeling so fearful... Not knowing how my life would be.... Right before I walked down the aisle to my future husband - my dad said... "I have the car in front - we can make a getaway if you changed your mind.." Thinking back on that offer - I think my dad may have been half serious.. half kidding.. I was the baby..

Marriage has been tough... Most of the years it has been plain awful... And if I want to be honest... a lot of the pain and unhappiness would have to be laid at my feet... I did not know how to love... I did not know how to be a wife... and after 22 years - I am still trying...

Watching the movie Fireproof was a big turning point for me... I saw me in the characters - and I did not like it.. The book in the movie The Love Dare (English and English Edition) - has helped me on my journey... I started it a couple of years ago and if I practice the concepts.. things are great... It really is amazing.. but when I don't... well it's not so good... Today - I choose to love....

Love is a choice, not a feeling. It is an initiated action, not a knee-jerk reaction. Excerpt from The Love Dare...

You can give undeserved love to your spouse because God gave undeserved love to you...

Fighting Dirty...

Last year I embarked on a quest - a quest to fall in love with my husband... I did the Love Dare - from the movie Fireproof... I have to tell you that I indeed fell in love with Dusty all over again... I was loving in all of my ways... I was making choices to not fight... not criticize.. I was making the choice to love - in my actions and in my words... After the 40 days - others around us saw the changes... There were actual physical changes... We appeared to be more joyful... younger... more playful... A dear friend of mine called me on the phone one day - because she just wanted to tell me she loved what she saw... our pure love shining through... and she was thrilled... This particular friend was there the day - I announced that I had filed for divorce... We had been married 20 years and I was - no we were miserable... Something had to change... The Love Dare did that - God did that.... In His Word - In His Instructions - for the first time in my life I knew what love really was.... but....

A year has gone by since the Love Dare has been completed... We have been drifting away from the choices we were actively making... I was actively making... I lost sight of my responsibilities of being a Christ centered Wife... a loving wife... and because I lost focus - Dusty lost focus... I find that we are falling into some of the old habits of carelessness... and it has got to stop... I do not want to be back in the place we first started... The fighting has got to stop.. the indifference has got to stop... The drifting away has got to stop....

Today - I went back to my Love Dare book - I opened the book directly to Day 13- Love Fights Fair.... Yep - God has a way of just letting you know it... setting you right... I realized that I have been fighting dirty... That I have been so very prideful that I did not see the damage I have been inflicting... Words hurt... Actions hurt... Dirty Fighting can damage so deeply.. I could say that Dusty is guilty too - but you know - I am in charge of how I act... how I respond... and I choose to stop.... here is an excerpt from the Love Dare that just smacked me hard today...

The deepest, most heartbreaking damage you'll ever do (or have ever done) to your marriage will most likely occur in the thick of conflict. That's because this is when your pride is strongest. Your anger is hottest. You're the most selfish and judgmental. Your words contain the most venom. You make the worst decisions. A great marriage on Monday can start driving off a cliff on Tuesday if unbridled conflict takes over and neither of you has your foot on the brakes...

Love Reminds You That Your Marriage is Too Valuable To Destroy
Love Reminds You Your Spouse Is More Important Than The Fight.
Love Helps You Install Airbags and sets ups guardrails

Married couples who learn to work through conflict tend to be closer, more trusting, more intimate, and enjoy a much deeper connection afterward..

I have learned that The Love Dare should go beyond the 40 days.. It should last a lifetime... So I am back to basics... The Love Dare Day One..... Love Is Patient - Today - say NOTHING negative.....

I Choose To Love My Husband

Tomorrow I will be celebrating 21 years of marriage.... It's hard to believe that I have spent over half of my life with this man.... I met Dusty shortly before my 21st birthday - I cannot say it was love at first sight... But I can say - I fell in love with him because he made me laugh.... He had a kindness and sense of humor that made him hard to resist.... But shortly after the "I do" everything just seemed to fall apart..

If you have read ever read my other blog - I've Become My Mother - you would know that we did not have a happily ever after marriage.. in fact - we hated each other for most of our marriage... I know hate is a very strong word - but I believe it is the word that described us..... I did not know how to love him... and he did not know how to love me either.... We were two people who married too soon and did not know what to do... so we became roommates that were raising two incredible kids together...

A few years ago - I filed for divorce - paid the attorney way too much money- called my pastor - and cried.... I believed this was the right thing to do... I was done... I felt I had wasted my life and it was time to start all over.... This is when Dusty realized that he loved his family... not necessary me - but he did not want to lose the family we had created together.... My pastor helped by telling Dusty this... "I believe in marriage.... no one ever wants a divorce.. no one... Kelly is serious about this and I think it would be a good idea to give her time.... Sometimes - marriage can be like a sprained ankle - in order to have it heal.... you got to take the weight off of it.... " Dusty - moved out and tried to give me the time I needed.... I let him move back the day after Christmas.... Not because I wanted our marriage to work.. but because I felt bad for him... We went back into our destructive circle for another year until.....

I kept hearing about this movie called Fireproof and how it had a book in the movie that helped to save marriages... I was hoping to learn a "fool proof" way to save my marriage... My church decided to have a Fireproof series - not only was the sermon based on marriage... the Sunday school lessons were based on it too.... The first day - we watched the movie together... I don't think a movie has ever hit me so hard... I saw me... I saw Dusty in both of the characters.. The movie opened my eyes - a little... To take it one step further - I was shopping at Sam's Club and there was the book - The Love Dare - the book from movie.....

I bought The Dare - and it took me on journey that I cannot describe... I learned how to love Dusty - for the first time, really.... It came down to choices... How God wanted me to love.... Once I was able to grasp the concept - the emotions and the feelings followed suit.... The amazing thing is that - after a while Dusty saw a difference in me.. and wanted more.... He learned how to love through my actions... You can follow my journey in I've Become my Mother - Day One. I have learned that it is easy to fall back on destructive behavior... Dusty and I are not in the best place today.... Not because I don't love him... I do... We... no I have gotten too busy... too lazy to work on Love...

So today - I am going to do The Love Dare again... Today - I choose to love my husband.... I love you, Honey... and I choose you...

Love Dare Day 22 - "Love is a choice, not a feeling.. It is an initiated action, not a knee-jerk reaction. Choose today to be committed to love even if your spouse has lost most of their interest in receiving it. Say to them today in words similar to these. "I love you. Period... I choose to love you even if you don't love me in return" I truly believe - at least I believe now in this season in my life - it's never too late to love..