Struggling With Work.. Family.. Time...

Hard to believe a year ago this month - my husband was laid off... He was home for six months.... During that six month time - I worked more than I had ever worked... By the grace of God - I was able to support our family during this time. My small business took flight and I had more clients than I could handle...... It was a difficult time for me mentally... physically... I was working 7 days a week.. Over 12 hours a day... I refused to turn down business - I was on over-drive... I was too busy thinking about me... poor me... No time for me... I was too selfish to see God in the middle of this... I was too blind to see that my husband was struggling... I was too stressed to see my kids suffering from lack of attention from me and from my husband... All I saw was I was making money and we needed money and that was that.... And today - thinking about that time... I am ashamed..... God provided for our needs... He was there.... I tried to take control away from Him.. and in that power struggle - I missed out on a summer with my kids... I missed out on spending some good one on one time with my husband.. He was home... He had time for me... And I blew it!

Today - I tried to talk to the husband. It's tough at times... His main focus now is work.. He loves his job - but it's a really busy job... Taking him away from home every week... And when he is home - he is still working..... And when he isn't working -he wants to relax.. His relaxation is golf... watching sports... browsing Ebay... He does not want to get into conversations about the day to day trials of raising strong minded teenagers.. He does not want to hear his wife nag.. He wants his family "happy" - He wants everything in its place... And to tell you the truth - it pisses me off! I want my husband's attention.. I want him to be a part of our family.... I miss my husband.. and my kids miss their dad....

My point is not to throw my husband under the bus.. He is a good man.. He is a good father.. He is a good provider... My point is that like me -He has become blind to what's around him... He is self focused... and I am not doing a good job of turning his focus towards me.. towards us.... Getting in his face about his lack of attention and time does will not work.. I need to turn to God... I need to give Him control... I need to allow God to turn this around...

God's original design for the family will not be destroyed. Right now we may be struggling with our relationships - We live in a sinful world.. But God does promise us that He will wipe away every tear... All through the Bible there is so much encouragement... Reading Ephesians is a good thing for me to read today....

I have no doubt that all will turn around.. I believe in my man... and I know without a doubt that God is in Control and is on our side.....

I've Been Married How LONG????

It's hard for me to believe that this picture is me on our wedding day Twenty-two years ago today... I remember feeling so fearful... Not knowing how my life would be.... Right before I walked down the aisle to my future husband - my dad said... "I have the car in front - we can make a getaway if you changed your mind.." Thinking back on that offer - I think my dad may have been half serious.. half kidding.. I was the baby..

Marriage has been tough... Most of the years it has been plain awful... And if I want to be honest... a lot of the pain and unhappiness would have to be laid at my feet... I did not know how to love... I did not know how to be a wife... and after 22 years - I am still trying...

Watching the movie Fireproof was a big turning point for me... I saw me in the characters - and I did not like it.. The book in the movie The Love Dare (English and English Edition) - has helped me on my journey... I started it a couple of years ago and if I practice the concepts.. things are great... It really is amazing.. but when I don't... well it's not so good... Today - I choose to love....

Love is a choice, not a feeling. It is an initiated action, not a knee-jerk reaction. Excerpt from The Love Dare...

You can give undeserved love to your spouse because God gave undeserved love to you...

My Husband - "Mr. Fix It"

My husband is a Professional Manager at work and at life.... We often have discussions about what happened in my day with my business... with the kids. I would share a few things that may have disturbed me - a client not paying his bill on time... one or both of the kids acting out.. a disagreement I may have had with a lender or borrower... Usually when I get around to telling him the story of my day - it's already been "handled" but he can't help but advise me on what I should have said or done... It's not as if I could go back and have a re-do... My husband wants to fix the problem I am having (had) or give a solution or advise on what I should have done or will do in the future... "What can I do for you?" is a standard question.... I hear from him... Many times I do not need him to fix it - many times it cannot be fixed.... And maybe I just don't want it fixed... I just want him to listen to me..

Managers like my husband are natural problem-solvers. Every challenge is an opportunity to be met quickly. With marriage and relationships - problem-solvers are suddenly faced with a challenge that cannot be easily solved or it cannot be solved at all. Dusty (my husband) wants to fix things when they are broken - he wants things to always run smoothly - "well managed" but life - love - marriage is messy... We have definitely called on each others patience and we have learned that patience in marriage works a lot like faith... Faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen. Hebrews 11:1. Dusty may want to fix it - but he is learning that listening to me.. having patience with me may be all the fixing something needs... I am learning that - I should listen to Dusty's advise (he is a very smart man) and who knows I just might gain more knowledge and/or wisdom the next time I have a conflict...

The longer we are married the more practice we are getting - soon we will be reaching the Twenty-two years of marriage mark - hard to believe.. I'm thinking we may be closer to "perfection" in another twenty-two years - What do you think?

*Picture from Picasa

Saying No To The Tempter...

Saying "No" is often times hard... Not only for my kids but also for me.... for everyone I think... There are many tempters in our world.... Many times temptation comes in the form of over indulging in a favorite dessert..... or skipping a class with a friend.... or flirting with an old boyfriend/girlfriend on Facebook... Temptation is everywhere.... At first it may appear to be innocent but that little voice in the back of your mind is probably telling you - "Say No!!! - This is not right - back away... - GET OUT"... We need to listen.. We need to step back... and many times we may need to terminate a relationship that involves a tempter..... a temptation...

It is really sad to me how lost our society has become... Marriage is not taken as seriously.... Monogamy is rarely practiced - just ask Elin Woods - how she felt when she discovered her husband.. the father to her two (2) beautiful babies had slept with 120 women... Or the single mom dropping off her kids at school - how she feels raising a family on her own - without the support of a husband.... Our morals... our beliefs.... our convictions are no longer driven by what is right... but rather they are driven by what feels good... whether it is right... or it is wrong rarely matters any longer...

As followers of Christ we need to live our lives UNCOMMONLY... We need to maintain our beliefs... We need to set an example for our children and for those around us... Not by judgment but by example... We are not of this world... We are for His world....

But each one is tempted when, by his own evil desire, he is dragged away and enticed. James 1:14.

Submit yourselves, then, to God. Resist the devil, and he will flee from you. James 4:7

Blessed are those who are persecuted because of righteousness, for heirs is the kingdom of Heaven. Blessed are you when people insult you, persecute you and falsely say all kinds of evil against you because of me. Rejoice and be glad, because great is your reward in Heaven. Matthew 5:10-12

Brothers, if someone is caught in a sin, you who are spiritual should restore him gently. But watch yourself, or you also may be tempted.. Galatians 6:1

There are so many verses talking about fleeing the tempter... that I am thinking that it's a very important thing to do... What do you think?

I Just Want To Be Happy

How many times have you heard someone say - "I just want to be happy."? This statement will often follow a divorce... a separation... It will many times follow an action that may have been a huge and life changing event. I remember the day I filed for divorce... I left the attorney's office and got into my car... I called my sister on the phone and I was crying hysterically ... I remember telling her that all I wanted was to be happy... and my husband wasn't doing it.... I canceled the divorce proceedings two years later and it took a lot of soul searching and praying to learn that Dusty (my husband) was not responsible for my happiness.... I punished him for twenty years for not living up to my unrealistic expectations... and I am truly sorry for that....

I recently found a journal that I had kept when Dusty and I were dating... I had forgotten the pure joy I had with him.. The constant laughter.. I had forgotten what made me fall in love with him... Dusty could make me laugh like no other.... He would tell these stories that were so outrageous and the way he told them would keep my complete attention... He drew me in like a fly to honey..... Even to this day - Dusty is the most funny and smartest man I have ever known... and somewhere over the past 21 years - I had forgotten that...

As I have matured in my age and in my faith and in my marriage - I have learned that happiness is ever changing... My expectations are changing.... My wants and needs and the way I love have changed.... Dusty and I are no longer the very young twenty somethings from years and years ago.... thank goodness - I like who we are today... and the last few weeks - We have spent an abnormal amount of time together... and it's fun to rediscover the laughter we once had... He's a funny guy, my man....

Romans 12:10 Love each other with genuine affection, and take delight in honoring each other.

A Slow Path In The Wrong Direction

Today - I spoke with a friend - About three (3) months ago she had found out her husband was having an affair.... He swore that it was over... He swore that it only lasted a week or so.... Today - my friend found out the affair had been going on for six (6) years and it's NOT OVER... Six YEARS!!!! How do you overcome this? How do you heal? How do you forgive? How do you go on? What do you say to your three (3) children - ages 7, 9 and 14 - who think their daddy is a hero? How do you NOT shatter into a thousand pieces?

I once heard that things like this don't happen all of a sudden... It's a slow path... in the wrong direction... My Sunday school teacher had said once that he doesn't have any women friends - unless they are with him AND his wife... He would never go to a casual lunch/dinner... he would never call a woman on the phone to chat.... He has ONE woman in his life and that is his wife... He said he believed that casual can move in the wrong direction... I tend to believe that is true.... I have always had many platonic male friends growing up - my best friend growing up was a boy - All through junior high and all the way through to college and beyond he was the best - always platonic... never thought about anything else friend... I remember my husband (my boyfriend) at the time getting jealous that I would spend the weekend with by best friend... I did not understand why... now I do... Looking through the eyes of a much older and wiser woman...

Infidelity is a very easy trap to fall into - if you allow yourself to play with fire... My friend will be going through some very tough times in the coming days... months.. years.. Her family will suffer for it... her faith .. her love... her strength... her beliefs will all be tested... Her ability to trust again won't come easily.... it is sad to me how much damage can occur by slowing following the wrong path towards something other than what is right.....



**picture from google pictures

Fighting Dirty...

Last year I embarked on a quest - a quest to fall in love with my husband... I did the Love Dare - from the movie Fireproof... I have to tell you that I indeed fell in love with Dusty all over again... I was loving in all of my ways... I was making choices to not fight... not criticize.. I was making the choice to love - in my actions and in my words... After the 40 days - others around us saw the changes... There were actual physical changes... We appeared to be more joyful... younger... more playful... A dear friend of mine called me on the phone one day - because she just wanted to tell me she loved what she saw... our pure love shining through... and she was thrilled... This particular friend was there the day - I announced that I had filed for divorce... We had been married 20 years and I was - no we were miserable... Something had to change... The Love Dare did that - God did that.... In His Word - In His Instructions - for the first time in my life I knew what love really was.... but....

A year has gone by since the Love Dare has been completed... We have been drifting away from the choices we were actively making... I was actively making... I lost sight of my responsibilities of being a Christ centered Wife... a loving wife... and because I lost focus - Dusty lost focus... I find that we are falling into some of the old habits of carelessness... and it has got to stop... I do not want to be back in the place we first started... The fighting has got to stop.. the indifference has got to stop... The drifting away has got to stop....

Today - I went back to my Love Dare book - I opened the book directly to Day 13- Love Fights Fair.... Yep - God has a way of just letting you know it... setting you right... I realized that I have been fighting dirty... That I have been so very prideful that I did not see the damage I have been inflicting... Words hurt... Actions hurt... Dirty Fighting can damage so deeply.. I could say that Dusty is guilty too - but you know - I am in charge of how I act... how I respond... and I choose to stop.... here is an excerpt from the Love Dare that just smacked me hard today...

The deepest, most heartbreaking damage you'll ever do (or have ever done) to your marriage will most likely occur in the thick of conflict. That's because this is when your pride is strongest. Your anger is hottest. You're the most selfish and judgmental. Your words contain the most venom. You make the worst decisions. A great marriage on Monday can start driving off a cliff on Tuesday if unbridled conflict takes over and neither of you has your foot on the brakes...

Love Reminds You That Your Marriage is Too Valuable To Destroy
Love Reminds You Your Spouse Is More Important Than The Fight.
Love Helps You Install Airbags and sets ups guardrails

Married couples who learn to work through conflict tend to be closer, more trusting, more intimate, and enjoy a much deeper connection afterward..

I have learned that The Love Dare should go beyond the 40 days.. It should last a lifetime... So I am back to basics... The Love Dare Day One..... Love Is Patient - Today - say NOTHING negative.....

From Spouses To Roommates

I remember the day I walked down the aisle to my husband 21 years ago.... I remember when my dad placed my hand onto Dusty's hand.... I remember Dusty looking at me and telling me for all to hear that I was beautiful..... At that moment in time - I felt beautiful and I felt loved..... I remember that night dancing to Crazy Love - by Van Morrison and knowing without a doubt I was cherished....

As the years go by - that freshness leaves us - life takes over and appreciation of one another is lost. Life becomes mundane and your love.... your husband... your wife ends up more of a roommate than a spouse... The dreams you shared together somehow slipped through the cracks. I am not just talking about me but many couples in my age group..... Intimacy is a thing of the past - not just in the bedroom but in the relationship too.

Pastor Rick Warren made this quote on Face Book today -

The primary purpose of marriage is to make you holy, not merely happy. Nothing challenges our self-centeredness more.

Those are strong words - don't you think? They are words that made me think... ponder.... When I took the vows so long ago - I was not thinking about the covenant I made with my husband - I was thinking the fairytale that most young girls think about... It took me over 20 years to figure out what God wanted from me... wanted from my marriage.. I had to learn how to love...and coming from over 20 years of bad habits it made it difficult to be consistent... consistent in love... in forgiveness.. in mercy and grace... I'm a work in progress... Sometimes when I go up one step I later will fall back two.... But the important thing is to not give up..... Is is also important to remember that love is a choice...not always a feeling...

Where you go, I will go, and where you lodge, I will lodge. Your people shall be my people, and your God, my God. Ruth 1:16

Could not find a good video of Van Morrison - Michael Buble - almost as good.

Why Does Temptation Look So Good?

A very good friend of mine left her husband of 27 years a few weeks ago.... To everyone that knows them - they appeared to have the perfect marriage... They held hands when they walked... They look into each others eyes when talking.... They laughed at each others sense of humor... They kissed in public - I know! I on more that one occasion jokingly told them to get a room... To be honest, I was jealous of what they showed to the world.... I would love it if Dusty (my husband) acted like he loved me in public.... he of course loves me - don't get me wrong..... but he's just a guy that isn't affectionate and I am a woman that craves it... enough said about that ....

So when my friend told me she left her husband - I of course asked why.... Her answer was one word and one word only.... Temptation.... Everyone and everything else looked better than what she had and she wanted more.. She had become friendly with a co-worker a couple of years ago - and then she found herself craving his attention - the friendship lead to after work coffee - then it led to dinner... and then so on... She told me she didn't wake up one morning and decide to leave her husband... it was a gradual thing.... and before she knew it - she pushed her love for her husband out and made room for someone else...

When I think of temptation - I think of things that are not good for me - such as....

A hot fudge sundae.... Fried cheese.... seeing an old boyfriend on the sly.... buying something that I have no business buying.... I think you get my drift... The list sounds good - I love fudge... and I would really love to have a new BMW... and the old boyfriend - let's just say - not a good thing...

Temptation is not sin but comes as a result of our sinful nature... My entire youth - I was always attracted to the "bad" things... I just was and as an adult - it something that I fight... and sometimes fail.... I am thankful I have a Father that knows me..... that forgives me.... and loves me anyway... I understand why my friend did what she did... Believe me - I've been married 21 years and I can honestly say - that the temptation has been there.... I have not acted on the temptation - at least not to the extent that I felt was wrong... and I am sure my friend did not start out wrong either.... Temptation can sneak in and take over if you are not forever watchful.

Galatians 6:1 Brothers, if someone is caught in a sin, you who are spiritual should restore him gently. But watch yourself, or you also may be tempted..

I Choose To Love My Husband

Tomorrow I will be celebrating 21 years of marriage.... It's hard to believe that I have spent over half of my life with this man.... I met Dusty shortly before my 21st birthday - I cannot say it was love at first sight... But I can say - I fell in love with him because he made me laugh.... He had a kindness and sense of humor that made him hard to resist.... But shortly after the "I do" everything just seemed to fall apart..

If you have read ever read my other blog - I've Become My Mother - you would know that we did not have a happily ever after marriage.. in fact - we hated each other for most of our marriage... I know hate is a very strong word - but I believe it is the word that described us..... I did not know how to love him... and he did not know how to love me either.... We were two people who married too soon and did not know what to do... so we became roommates that were raising two incredible kids together...

A few years ago - I filed for divorce - paid the attorney way too much money- called my pastor - and cried.... I believed this was the right thing to do... I was done... I felt I had wasted my life and it was time to start all over.... This is when Dusty realized that he loved his family... not necessary me - but he did not want to lose the family we had created together.... My pastor helped by telling Dusty this... "I believe in marriage.... no one ever wants a divorce.. no one... Kelly is serious about this and I think it would be a good idea to give her time.... Sometimes - marriage can be like a sprained ankle - in order to have it heal.... you got to take the weight off of it.... " Dusty - moved out and tried to give me the time I needed.... I let him move back the day after Christmas.... Not because I wanted our marriage to work.. but because I felt bad for him... We went back into our destructive circle for another year until.....

I kept hearing about this movie called Fireproof and how it had a book in the movie that helped to save marriages... I was hoping to learn a "fool proof" way to save my marriage... My church decided to have a Fireproof series - not only was the sermon based on marriage... the Sunday school lessons were based on it too.... The first day - we watched the movie together... I don't think a movie has ever hit me so hard... I saw me... I saw Dusty in both of the characters.. The movie opened my eyes - a little... To take it one step further - I was shopping at Sam's Club and there was the book - The Love Dare - the book from movie.....

I bought The Dare - and it took me on journey that I cannot describe... I learned how to love Dusty - for the first time, really.... It came down to choices... How God wanted me to love.... Once I was able to grasp the concept - the emotions and the feelings followed suit.... The amazing thing is that - after a while Dusty saw a difference in me.. and wanted more.... He learned how to love through my actions... You can follow my journey in I've Become my Mother - Day One. I have learned that it is easy to fall back on destructive behavior... Dusty and I are not in the best place today.... Not because I don't love him... I do... We... no I have gotten too busy... too lazy to work on Love...

So today - I am going to do The Love Dare again... Today - I choose to love my husband.... I love you, Honey... and I choose you...

Love Dare Day 22 - "Love is a choice, not a feeling.. It is an initiated action, not a knee-jerk reaction. Choose today to be committed to love even if your spouse has lost most of their interest in receiving it. Say to them today in words similar to these. "I love you. Period... I choose to love you even if you don't love me in return" I truly believe - at least I believe now in this season in my life - it's never too late to love..

When Is It Cheating?

One of my favorite movies is Fireproof - as many of you may know - 'The Love Dare' in that movie saved my marriage.... seriously it did... I posted my 40 day journey into 'happily ever after' on my blog I've Become My Mother.... One of the things that the movie showed is how easy an innocent relationship can turn into a possible affair.... One of the many things that the Bible teaches us is that we are to bring honor to our husbands... wives.. We are to love... cherish..... We are to stay away from temptation... We are to put our spouses above all others....

"Have you not read that He who made them in the beginning made them male and female, and said, 'For this reason a man shall leave his father and mother and be joined to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh?' So then, they are no longer two but one flesh. Therefore what God has joined together, let not man separate." Matthew 19:4-6.

In today's world - divorce is common - being remarried over and over again is common - having kids without marriage is common.... Staying married and adultery free is uncommon - isn't it strange how much the world has changed?

So my question to you is this... What would you consider inappropriate behavior... ? What do you consider cheating? When I asked this question to a few of my friends the other day - we were all surprised on how different our answers were.... It made for a great conversation..... and a lot of laughs....

Is it cheating to accept an old girlfriend or boyfriend as a friend on Facebook?
Is it cheating to look at a beautiful woman or man?
Is it cheating to have lunch with a co-worker? a client?
Is it cheating to see an old flame (innocently) and not tell your spouse?
Is it cheating to watch porn?

It kind of makes you think doesn't it??? Where do you draw the line? Or do you draw one? I'm curious - send me a comment - What do you think?

What this clip - it says it all..

Love Is Not Merely A Feeling

Love as distinct from "being in love" is not merely a feeling. It is a deep unity, maintained by the will and deliberately strengthen by habit; reinforced by (in Christian marriages) the grace which both partners ask, and receive from God. They can have this love for each other even at those moments when they do not like each other; as you love yourself even when you do not like yourself. They can retain this love even when each would easily, if they allowed themselves, be "in love" with someone else. "Being in love" first moved them to promise fidelity: this quieter love enables them to keep the promise. It is on this love that the engine of marriage is run: being in love was the explosion that started it. C. S. Lewis

Before I was married a good friend of mine also known as my sister, Debbie gave me some great advice... She said - every morning to make a commitment to love my husband that day - whether I wanted to or not..... She said to look in the mirror and say, "I will love Dusty today".. It was great advise... it would have been much better if I took it... It took me twenty (20) years to get it... Twenty years I wasted being a toxic wife..... and I wish I could have those twenty years back...

I am so thankful for the 2nd, third, and 578 chances to make it right... To make the choice to love.. It's funny - how really easy it is for me.... for us... Granted there are still many days that I just want to kick him in the butt for being a testosterone filled jerk and I sure there are times he's not too fond of my hormones either.. We fight... I yell and he has his great comebacks.. We have many different interests.. He loves sports... I can't stand to watch them on TV... He is always moving and doing something.. I like to sit and veg... He loves going to the swap meet - I love going to Macy's after Christmas sale.. but somehow in our differences we compliment each other...

Even when I don't like Dusty - I still love him..... That is in my opinion a sure sign of real adult love.. Love the way God intended us to love... Many times we are just not lovable... and still God loves us - warts and all. God does not love us because we are lovable but because he loves.. 1John 4:10 In this is love, not that we loved God, but that He loved us and sent His Son to be the propitiation for our sins.

Today- I choose to love Dusty. I choose to show him love him unconditionally... the way I am suppose too... the way I want too.

Phil Collins playing Groovy Kind Of Love - our first dance over twenty years ago..

My Language Of Love

I took a quiz today... The Five Languages of Love... Don't laugh...I took the quiz on FaceBook... But the results are so true about myself.. I thought my love language would be acts of service but no it is words... When I read the description..it is me. Here is what it said...

You are a person of words. This means you are most touched when people tell you 'I love you', or when you read a poem. Even a song can make you emotional. Talking is your emotional tool and you will therefore also use this to connect to other people. Words are a great way of communicating, but when someone else you love doesn't necessarily talk the way you do, it doesn't mean they don't love you. What would be their primary love language? Too many words may have their downside, too. Some people may assume that if you talk a lot, you talk more than you do. You may also have been terribly hurt by what people have said, more than what they did. One last point to mention is that God also communicates in your love language. He uses words, too. He says in the Bible that He loves you, that you are the apple of His eye, and that He wants you to come to Him and talk to Him. He loves you and gave Jesus (God Himself in human form) to bridge the gap caused by the fall of sin through which we cannot fully obey the law He gave us. He made the solution through Jesus, and when accepting Him, you'll accept God Himself, Who loves you, and wants to communicate with you..

Well this explains all my late night, early morning, and middle of the day conversations I have with God.. and He likes it!!! Now if I can get my husband to talk....I'm thinking his (Dusty's) love language is acts of service.. I'll let you know.....